You’re Not Crazy
A client (I’ll call her Jane) shared a story with me about falling in love with someone (I’ll call her Sylvie).
Jane explained that Sylvie was *so close* to what she wanted that it was “impossible” to pass up. This woman literally seemed like the manifestation of every dream she'd had about a partner. Sylvie said the beautiful words about a future together (something Jane has been wanting for years). She also bought her gifts, and promised her a life full of adventure and care.
That's nice, we like those things. 💅🏼
But, what happened is that other little things started to occur (aka glaring red flags) fairly immediately.
There were inconsistencies. The feeling that something was "off." Actions did not match words. Reactions no longer matched circumstances. Intimacy was withheld. When a need was spoken by Jane, Sylvie was quick to cut it down.
“I’m sure this will get better,” Jane told herself each time—desperately wanting to look away from the reality of what was occurring and only see the shiny things. What unfolded was all kinds of emotional wreckage for Jane that she has worked hard to heal in our work together.
Does any of this resonate with you or someone you know!?
Maybe you've told yourself:
“I just need to try harder”
“I just need to be more patient”
“They said this wouldn’t happen again, so maybe it won’t”
Or, “Maybe I'm just insane/asking too much/overreacting”
When Jane told me this story, I let her know this: Girl, I HAVE BEEN THERE.
The desire to love and be loved is fierce. Side effects can include blinders, not seeing the truth, and looking the other way. 😔
We all have unconscious patterns in relationships that can trip us up. You may have learned at a deep level that you needed to earn love, or that you needed to try hard, be pleasing, or ask for less. Or, maybe you learned that relationships were unsafe, you had to stay "on guard," or that in order to be in one you’d have to sacrifice your own needs or desires.
But, looking away from what is *actually occurring* costs us greatly.
We have to learn how to look directly at situations, relationships, and circumstances even if it means that a relationship (or situationship) needs to shift, get help, or end completely. Be brave enough to pay attention to what’s not sitting well with you, watch for patterns, and take your intuition seriously.
If something or someone is feeling “off” in your life, honor yourself and consider that you may be onto something and nothing is wrong with you.
Reach out if you suspect some underlying beliefs might be getting in the way for you. You can join up with other women doing this work in group coaching or we can talk about working together 1:1 or with your couple.
Xo,
Alysondra
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